


life would lose its touch

by EmmaArthur (EchoBleu)



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Alex and Maria repairing their friendship, Alex has self-worth issues, Coda, Episode Tag, Friendship, M/M, Realizations are had
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:01:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23319520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EchoBleu/pseuds/EmmaArthur
Summary: 2x02 coda of sorts. Maria realizes what Michael didn't: Alex isn't stepping down because he doesn't care anymore.
Relationships: Maria DeLuca & Alex Manes, Michael Guerin/Alex Manes, Some Miluca but it doesn't stick
Comments: 25
Kudos: 157





	life would lose its touch

**Author's Note:**

> I told myself I wouldn’t write episode codas while the season is airing, but my brain does its own thing. I don’t know where this comes from. I think I’ve been writing setting fire for too long, because it definitely bled into this.
> 
> Alex & Maria, a little Michael, with mentions of Malex and the end of Miluca, 2x02 coda.

“Have you at least talked to Alex?” Maria asks suddenly, putting down a shot glass in front of Michael.

She's been thinking about Alex a lot, since Michael parked his Airstream in the parking lot two days ago. Alex who spent his one day off distributing missing posters with her and checks at least once a day if there's anything new on Mimi, whether by texts or by stopping by. He saw the trailer today, and something about his face isn't sitting right with Maria.

“Yes,” Michael answers absently. “He doesn't care. I told you it was over. He said he understood.”

Maria frowns. “What did he say exactly?”

“He said if he could be with you, then he would be.”

Maria's thoughts come to an abrupt stop at that. “He said that? He actually said that?”

Michael nods mutely, taken aback by her outburst.

“Fuck,” Maria mutters. “I need to talk to him.”

“Why? He's moving on, and so am I. It doesn't matter.”

“Michael. Alex is my best friend, and I know him. This isn't him moving on.” This is him sacrificing himself.

“What?” Michael frowns uncomprehendingly.

Alex sat in the exact same seat Michael is in now while Maria swore to him that her and Michael was a one time thing.

Fuck.

“I'm going to go talk to him tomorrow,” Maria says. “Now, I need to work.”

Michael looks like he's going to protest−it's early, and there's almost no one in the bar−but he doesn't. He drinks, instead.

*

Maria has only been to Alex's house twice, even though it's been over six months since he came back. He's come to her apartment, they've met at the bar and the Crashdown, but she never comes here.

“Maria,” he says, opening the door. He's become guarded, sometimes in the last few weeks. Or maybe in the last ten years. 

“Alex,” Maria answers in kind. “Can I come in?”

“Sure. Why are you here? Did you hear anything from Mimi?”

Maria shakes her head sadly. “Still nothing. I'm getting plenty of  joke calls and racists who say she deserves what she got, but not anything resembling a lead.”

“I'm sorry,” Alex sighs. “I wish I could spend more time looking with you.”

“You have to work, I get it. You're already doing a lot. Aren't you getting out soon, though?”

Alex bites his lip. He waves her in fully before answering, and waits until she's sat down on his couch. She doesn't remove her shoes. She doesn't feel welcome enough, though she can't quite tell if Alex is making her feel that way or if she's doing it all by herself.

“I'm not getting out. I've already re-upped.”

“What? Alex, why? You wanted to−”

Alex doesn't meet her eyes. “I've come upon...things that my father was doing, these last few months. There's some loose ends to tie up.”

Maria decides to let the half-truth lie. “How did I miss this? This isn't a small decision, you've been thinking about it for a while. Have I been such a bad friend?”

Maybe she's  making a rod for her own back, but she feels like she deserves it. 

“You've had a lot to deal with,” Alex says. “We all have. Liz with Max, you with Mimi… It's okay, Maria. We're all doing our best. Can I get you something to drink? You still haven't told me why you're here.”

“I could do with a beer, if you have some,” Maria answers. It's early enough that going directly for something stronger is not a good idea. She has the late shift at the bar, her bartender is handling the opening today, but she'll need to be clearheaded then.

She could have used some liquid bravery. She'll have to muster the bravery all on her own instead, and it's going to take a lot. It feels like too much, all these things going on in her life. How is time not stopping, while her mama is missing? How can things still go on like nothing's wrong?

“Maria?” Alex calls from just above her. He has his arm outreached, a beer in his hand.

“Sorry,” Maria apologized, shaking her head. She's zoned out for long enough to worry him.

“Are you okay?”

Maria shrugs. “Not really.”

“Scoot over,” Alex says, sitting down beside her on the couch. “You look like you could use a hug.”

“I'm screwing everything up,” Maria murmurs. She can take this one moment for self-pity, before she makes herself be brave. She'll have lost a boyfriend by tonight, if Guerin can be called that. She really hopes she won't also have lost a friend.

“What do you mean?” Alex asks. There's a cautiousness in his voice that's new, too, with her.

“Everything's wrong. Mom's missing, a month ago there was a fucking body in my parking lot, Liz won't tell me what's going on with her, why she left and then came back, Guerin...I messed up with Guerin.”

Alex tenses against her.

“I wanted to believe him, that you two were over. I just really wanted someone who...I don't know, he was sweet and he was there, you know? Then he kissed me and bailed on me, and he's been a dick since, but he was clearly not okay, so I wanted to help. You know me, always weak for the people who make me feel like I can be useful.”

M aria laughs bitterly. Alex doesn't. He's so still it's almost unnatural.

“Maria−” he starts.

“He told me you talked. He said...he said you were okay with him dating me, but he also told me _what_ you said and...fuck, Alex. Fuck you. Fuck him. Fuck me, most of all.”

Alex shifts. “Maria, you're not making sense. What are you talking about?”

“You're not moving on. You're removing yourself from the equation. You're pretending you're okay with it so he can move on.”

Alex closes his eyes, and carefully lets go of her, bringing his arms back against his chest as if to curl up on himself. “ It's what he wants,” he says. “It has nothing to do with you. You deserve to be happy.”

“I don't think I can be happy knowing I screwed you over,” Maria says.

“Michael doesn't want to be with me. He was quite clear about that. You're an amazing person, Maria. I was honest when I said it, I understand what he sees in you, and I want him to be happy, too. I think you could be good for each other.”

Maria has to look away as Alex's eyes fill with tears. He doesn't let them fall, but he swallows with difficulty.

“But you love him. And I'm fairly sure he loves you.”

Alex shakes his head. “It doesn't mater. It's not what he wants.”

“No,” Maria murmurs. “It does matter. Since you came back, I kept seeing all the ways that you've changed, and I didn't see that you really stayed the same, Alex. There was always one constant. You keep sacrificing yourself for the people you love, because you think you need to atone for existing. That's what you're doing again.”

Alex looks away, and she knows her words have hit their mark.

“I was blinded by my feelings for him,” she continues. “And I thought that if you weren't fighting harder for him, it was because you didn't care that much, that it was just a high school fling you'd hoped to revive and it didn't work out, that you'd understood that it wasn't worth it. I convinced myself of that. But the truth is, you're not going to fight because you think _you're_ not worth it.”

They're both silent for a moment, as Alex  stares out the window instead of looking at Maria. She starts thinking that she's gone too far, that he's going to throw her out or something, but he turns back to her instead.

“I did fight,” Alex says slowly, his voice unsteady. “I fought for so long. I went to war, and I did unspeakable things, and I kept fighting to survive, like I've done my whole life.” He swallows again. “I almost died out there, and all I could think about was that I'd wouldn't get to see him again. So I fought my way to recovery, and I came back here, and I found myself untangled in my father's business again. I'm tired of fighting, Maria.”

His shoulders slump, and he leans his elbow on his knees, burying his face in his hands. Maria wants to shake him, almost, to hug the breath out if him, to run screaming. She does none of these things.

“No you're not,” she says firmly. “I don't know exactly what it is you're doing, but you're not done fighting. You reenlisted, and I know there's a reason for that. You're still fighting your father, and your brothers, and Guerin told me you're trying to help him with whatever it is he's doing that he won't tell me about. You're helping me trying to find Mimi, and you're helping Liz get over Max. The only one you still won't fight for is yourself.”

A lex stays silent, his head still in his hands. When it becomes obvious that he's not going to answer, Maria leans over. 

“Let me try this another way,” she says. “Are you okay, Alex?”

Alex looks up in surprise at that. “What?”

Maria goes with her intuition. She knows to follow it, and this is where it's leading her right now. “Who's the last person who asked you that?”

“Therapist,” Alex says. “She makes a point to ask every session.”

“Apart from her,” Maria clarifies. “When's the last time someone really checked in with you, Alex?”

Alex leans back, staring right in front of him. “I...I don't remember,” he admits.

Maria knows that if she hadn't backed him into a corner first, forced him to open up and left him vulnerable, he would have just evaded, guided the conversation toward something else, and she wouldn't even have noticed.  He's too good at that.

“Maybe you,” Alex says. “When I moved here.”

“Fuck,” Maria sighs. “We've been the worst possible friends, haven't we?”

Alex shrugs. “We were best friends in high school, Maria. It doesn't mean we still have to be now. Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad to be able to see you and Liz regularly again, but you don't have to...force yourself to be close, just because we used to be.”

Maria feels her eyes widen. “Is that what you think? That I'm just hanging onto a past friendship that doesn't mean anything anymore?”

“I think that...I love you, Maria. Always have, and I always will. But you said it, I've changed. A lot. I'm not a nice person to be around anymore. You don't need to pretend.”

Maria can't even comprehend what he's saying for a moment, gobsmacked. 

“Alex,” she starts. She shakes her head, and reach out to him with her hand, but he flinches away. “Is that really what you think of yourself? You're a nice person. You're more than a nice person, you're incredible and selfless and resilient and...do you really have no idea how much I love you?”

Alex just stares.

“Fuck, I don't know how I've missed this but I've really been the worst friend, haven't I? How on Earth did I manage to make you think I don't like you?”

“You didn't do anything,” Alex says in a low voice. 

“Yes, and that's the problem.” Maria stands up, too restless to stay in place. “It's going to change from now on.”

“What?” Alex looks up at her, confused.

“First, I'm going to break up with Guerin.”

“Maria−”

“No. I may have feelings for him, but it's not worth that. I love you, Alex. You're my best friend. I've been an awful friend to you, but that stops now. I'll be sad for a while, then I'll forget about him and we'll be fine. I don't think it's the same for you, is it?”

Alex's faraway look is admission enough.

“I'm going to break up with him, if we can even call it that, and then I'm going to talk sense into him. If that's what you want. I wouldn't blame you for wanting to let him simmer a bit. Or even rot.”

“No,” Alex shakes his head. “We spent too long doing that.”

“Right. Spite is not like you, of course. But don't let him crush your spirit, Alex. Your father didn't manage. Guerin isn't worth that, either.”

“I love him, Maria. Maybe to the point where it's unhealthy, I don't know. I don't know if I care.”

Maria bites her lip. “Then I'll try to care for you, okay? You have friends. We've been very remiss at our job lately, but I'm going to atone for that by pestering you all the time from now on, okay?”

**Author's Note:**

> Any and all comments make my day! Tell me what you think.


End file.
